Learning to Trust: Breaking Old Patterns of Doing Everything Yourself

Blog 3 of 4: Self-Acceptance Series

“Somebody sees something that the rest of us might need.”- Margaret Wheatley

How often have you turned down a helping hand because you were convinced you could do it better yourself? I know I'm guilty of this. Even after learning to recognize our patterns, there's one we haven't explored; our habit of doing everything ourselves. We've relied on ourselves for so long, and much of the work of identifying those patterns has also been ours to do. We've made difficult decisions and faced uncomfortable truths, often without anyone beside us. It's a lonely road, one we don't often talk about. So when we're discussing a situation and someone offers a helping hand, we may still find ourselves politely responding, “Thank you, I'll consider that.”

We were always taught to be polite, but how much of the help or advice offered are we really considering? We may appreciate someone's willingness to help, but let's be honest, everyone has an opinion or a suggestion about how we could do things differently. When we're accustomed to doing things on our own, we could be overlooking an opportunity simply because we haven't broken the pattern of doing everything ourselves. The challenge is knowing when to trust our own judgment and when to give someone else's perspective a closer look.

Recognizing the Unexpected

Taking our practice of listening a step further means learning discernment—hearing what someone offers without feeling compelled to agree. We don’t have to accept advice that doesn’t fit, but we also don't need to reject it immediately out of habit or defensiveness. Sometimes the greatest value in a conversation isn't the advice itself, but the way it helps us see beyond our own single perspective.

In her book Turning to One Another, Margaret Wheatley explores the profound possibilities that emerge through honest, meaningful conversation. She suggests that true connection and dialogue can radically alter our worldview because people bring insights, knowledge, and lived experiences that are simply unavailable to us through our own isolated efforts. Wheatley reminds us that we often enter conversations hoping merely for reassurance or simple validation, only to discover that another person holds a key, an observation, or an alternative suggestion that redefines what we previously thought was possible.

Opening ourselves to new ideas doesn't mean losing our judgment. We still get to pause, reflect, and evaluate whether a suggestion is practical and aligned with our path. But when we dismiss something simply because it’s unfamiliar or not what we expected, we risk missing a breakthrough. Reconsidering a suggestion you initially resisted might be what finally helps you accomplish something you've been struggling with for a long time. Ultimately, curiosity allows an unlikely idea to become a real opportunity. The destination may stay the same, but the way you get there expands through shared wisdom. 

Allowing Someone Else to Contribute

Deep in Baba Yaga's forest, Vasilisa finds herself facing demands that seem impossible. She must sort grain and separate poppy seeds, knowing that failure could have terrible consequences. Finding the courage to enter the forest was one challenge; completing the witch's tasks is another entirely. But Vasilisa isn't without support. She remembers the little doll her mother gave her, turns to it for help, and while she sleeps, the doll quietly completes the work.

There's something remarkable about the trust between Vasilisa and her doll. She doesn't stay awake worrying about whether the work will be done properly or attempt to take over halfway through. She allows the doll to do what it can, even though the consequences of failure will still be hers to face. She hasn't escaped the challenge by accepting help. She's found a way to meet it.

And that's where many of us struggle. Taking someone's advice and putting it to use is one thing; trusting them to take responsibility for part of the work is another. What if they leave everything until the last minute, and we're the ones staying up late to finish? What if they do it differently than we expected, or get it wrong altogether? Trusting someone doesn't mean ignoring our instincts. We can decline their help, find someone else, or give them a chance. They might surprise us by doing it better or faster than we could have imagined. And if things don't go as planned, there's an opportunity for both of us to learn.

Yet accepting help doesn't mean handing over responsibility for our lives. We still have decisions to make, consequences to face, and our own part of the work to complete. What changes is the belief that every part must rest on our shoulders. Sometimes allowing someone else to contribute is what makes it possible for us to continue.

When Things Turn Out Differently

There's a wonderful feeling that comes when we finally let someone help and discover they can do something better than we could have managed alone. Maybe they finish in half the time, find an easier way, or bring an idea that makes us wonder why we made things so complicated in the first place. We feel the relief of having something taken off our shoulders, and even a little embarrassment when we realize how long we've insisted on carrying it ourselves. But there's also something worth celebrating. We took a chance, trusted someone, and discovered what became possible because we did.

Of course, it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes we're watching the clock as a deadline approaches, wondering whether the person we trusted has even started. Or the finished work arrives, and it's nothing like what we discussed. That familiar voice doesn't waste a second, "See? This is why you should have done it yourself". Suddenly, all the progress we've made toward letting others contribute feels a little less certain. It's tempting to take everything back, fix the problem, and quietly promise ourselves we won't make that mistake again.

But what if we didn't let either experience become the final word? When things go well, we can acknowledge someone's contribution and tell them how much it helped. When they don't, we can have the uncomfortable conversation instead of disappearing behind that familiar wall. Did we explain what we needed? Were our expectations clear? Did something happen that neither of us anticipated? Communication won't prevent every disappointment, but it gives us a chance to understand what happened before deciding what it means. And sometimes we discover that the person who disappointed us was doing their best with something they were still learning.

What we take from these experiences matters. We may learn to communicate more clearly, recognize someone's strengths, or discover that a different arrangement would work better next time. We might even share what happened with someone facing a similar struggle, offering them the benefit of an experience we never expected to have. The old pattern told us that doing everything ourselves was the safest choice. Breaking it means allowing our experiences to teach us something more than whether we should have trusted someone in the first place.

What Becomes Possible

How many opportunities have we missed because we were determined to figure everything out ourselves? How much time have we spent struggling with something that another person could have helped us understand, accomplish, or see differently? We can't go back and recover those moments, but we can question whether the same old pattern deserves to make our decisions for us today. After everything we've done to recognize our patterns and change the ones that no longer serve us, this one deserves our attention as well.

Margaret Wheatley's Turning to One Another reminds us of something we can easily forget; meaningful change begins when we're willing to talk and truly listen to one another. But there's courage in what comes after the conversation, too. The courage to admit someone else might have a better idea, to trust them with something that matters, and to accept that the outcome may not be exactly what we expected. We may discover an opportunity we never imagined, or we may learn something neither of us knew when we began. Either way, we've allowed another person into a part of our lives we once insisted on handling alone.

Vasilisa couldn't have completed Baba Yaga's impossible tasks without the doll, but accepting its help didn't mean abandoning her responsibility. She still had to face the witch and whatever came next. And that's the difference we're learning to recognize: we don't have to do everything ourselves to take responsibility for our lives. We can trust our judgment without closing ourselves off, accept help without surrendering our choices, and recognize that success may arrive in a form we never would have imagined.

Maybe the question isn't whether we're capable of doing something alone. We've spent years proving that we are. The question is how much more might become possible when we finally allow someone else to stand beside us.

“When we insist on doing everything ourselves, we don't just carry the weight. We close the door on what someone else could bring.” ~ Pamela

About the Author  

Pamela is the writer behind Energy Waves Wellness Ltd., where she explores the relationship we have with ourselves and the experiences that shape the way we live. Her writing combines personal reflection, curiosity, and the natural rhythms of life to ask better questions rather than offer easy answers. She is the creator of the Return to Self & Rise Journey™, a year-long series of reflective essays and guided workbooks designed to help readers pay attention, question, choose, and adjust.